I Never Meant to Hurt You
by SiriusBlackx
Summary: What happened to Sirius after the Snape prank and how he realized he will never be more then a Black. WARN Dark, self-harm, suicide, language.


Blood.

It smelt so good.

Oh how he wanted to lick it, drink it, to be able to drown in the feeling of it.

The wolf saw his prey and howled in delight.

Until darkness consumed him.

* * *

><p>Waking up by the sound of someone's voice and found that he was unable to place where he knew the voice from for his head was consumed by a dull throbbing that threatened to push him back into unconsciousness.<p>

"I think we should tell him James, he'll find out eventually if we don't and then he will be even more angry".

_A second voice now, familiar still. Peter was it? He couldn't be sure as of yet but he had a feeling it was him. What was it he said? Was James here too? Where was here?_

"Don't you get it Peter? If we tell him it will kill him! I for one don't fancy telling him, and I don't think you want to either!"

_Where was Sirius? Was he hurt or has he just chosen to remain quiet up until now?_ Driven by his desire to learn the where abouts of his best friend he managed to draw both of his eyes open. He knew this was a mistake immediately when the sun's penetrating rays managed to force them shut again. His sensitivity to light only happened after two occasions. First was when he was hung over and second was after the full moon. Considering his breath didn't smell like Firewhisky and found no traces of a hangover, his mind jumped to option two, the full moon.

Fear suddenly engulfed him. _What did James mean by saying it would kill him to find out?_ Forgetting the pain of opening his eyes they shot open and he did not like the scene in front of him.

In front of him sat two of his best friends and two members of the self dubbed group of pranksters, the Marauders. However this meeting didn't seem so fun an care free like every other time they were together. Both faces of the marauders were filled with emotions. Peter's face was filled with sadness, pain and almost surprisingly fear.

James however seemed to be more in control of his emotions then Peter was, although his face still held traces of hurt, bitterness and again, fear.

When James turned to Remus, the resident werewolf of the group his voice was masked with indifference but Remus would tell that speaking to him was causing him a lot of pain.

"Oh, hey Moony... nice to see you are awake..."

His voice trailed off as if struggling to find something else to say. When finally realizing he had nothing left to say he turned to Peter, who in turn shrugged and looked anxious.

"Guys, what happened last night? Did I hurt anyone, oh God I killed Sirius didn't I? Oh Merlin I thought I smelt blood last night, I killed him didn't I! Please don't hate me guys I'm so sorry please don't hate me..."

His voice cracked as he reached the end of his plea. Unable to speak anymore he sent fearful and pleading glances towards his two friends who flintched when he finished speaking.

"Don't worry Rem you didn't kill Sirius or bite him either..."

"I'm sensing a but here James. If I didn't hurt him then where is he?"

James shot one last glance at Peter before continuing on.

"He's in Dumbledore's office, talking with the headmaster"

Surprise showed briefly on Remus' face before it quickly faded into fear and worry.

"Why would he be in his office? Why aren't you there with him James! What happened! Tell me now!"

After a long sigh of resignation he slowly said,

"He's in his office with Snape, something happened last night Moony and I don't want to be the one to tell you."

With his voice containing an almost feral growl he managed to get a few across through gritted teeth.

"NOW"!

James visibly recoiled at these words and quickly continued in panicked tones.

"Sirius told Snape how to get past the willow so I went after Snape to make sure he didn't get hurt but I got there right when you where speeding down the tunnel and if I didn't change into Prongs and knock you out I think you would have killed me and Snape."

He finished quietly and turned to see the look on Remus' face and was surprised to see nothing. Remus was always good at hiding his true feelings and this time was no exception.

"Please leave James".

The marauder was startled by these words and turned to Peter for some thing to say. However as always Peter just shook his head and turned to leave. But James thought he should at least try.

"Rem..".

"Leave, and tell Black to never speak to me again".

* * *

><p>Emerging from the headmasters office stood a lone figure. His name was Sirius Black and little did he know that the friendships he tried so hard to keep would so easily slip away from his fingers.<p>

Beginning the journey to Gryffindor tower he realized how he felt. Helpless. He betrayed the trust of one of his best friends just to play a prank on Snape. Now he knows that Moony is a werewolf and Prongs is an illegal animagi.

He felt numb and that any other pain would be insignificant to what he was feeling now. The detentions from now till Christmas didn't matter to him as long was Remus was still his friend.

Gryffindor tower arrived too soon for Sirius and begrudgingly gave the password and walked into the common room. Mercifully it was empty, due to the fact that it was nearing midnight now. He ascended the dormitory stair case and slowly opened the door to the fifth year dorms.

He was greeted by the sounds of Peter and James snores and the sight of Remus staring blankly at him from his four poster bed. Swallowing the lump that appeared in his throat he tried talking to him.

"Remus? Remus I'm so sorry I never meant for him to go down there. I just wasn't thinking. Come on Remus... Moony?"

"DON'T call me _that, _you have no right too anymore".

Sirius winced at the icy tone that was used and visibly started to shake. The hope of becoming friends again by morning was slowly dwindling .

"Please Rem you have to believe me I never wanted this to happen".

He was almost pleading now, but he knew not to stoop that low. A Black never pleaded and Remus knew this just aswell as Sirius.

"Well it did happen _Black, _and I would appreciate if you never spoke to me or _my _friends ever again Black".

Sirius' throat was close to closing completely now and his eye glazed over with tears that threatened to fall but he held them back because Blacks didn't cry. It showed weakness. Sirius may not agree with everything his parents said but he agreed that crying makes you weak.

With a heavy and slowly breaking heart Sirius nodded and went to sleep in his four poster. However sleep didn't come quickly and when it did it was plagued with nightmares.

* * *

><p><em>"How could you do this Sirius?"<em>

_"I'm sorry I didn't know! Please forgive me I'll do anything. please!"_

_"It's too late for that Black, leave and never come back!"_

_"Please, just one more chance Remus, I'll so anything I swear! I can't lose you"._

_"Don't you get it! You already lost me! I hate you Black, I HATE YOU"._

"NOOOO".

Sirius jolted out of bed in a cold sweat and his heart racing and threatening to jump out of his chest. He couldn't live like this. It's been almost two months and neither Remus, James hell even Peter hasn't spoken to him despite his constant pleading and begging. When they do speak it's out of necessity and only then do they address him as 'Black'. Sirius was starting to lose hope, he wasn't eating or sleeping and the boy he is now is completely unrecognizable to the boy he was two months ago. Christmas holidays were only a few days away and he was beginning to think that if Remus didn't forgive him by then, then he would lose him forever.

Having been denied to spend Christmas with the Potters or the Lupins, Sirius was fated to spend Christmas alone in Gryffindor tower were he was the only Gryffindor staying during the holidays.

He had to try one last time to get Moony to forgive him. Just once more before all hope was lost.

This was it, the last time he would try before giving up. He just had to wait for Remus to be alone in the common room before approaching him or the plan wouldn't work. It wasn't a complicated plan but he hoped it would work anyway.

Finally after what seemed like hours of waiting, James and Peter finally retired to the comforts of their beds, leaving Remus behind still reading over his copy of Advaned Potion Making.

Standing up, Sirius approached Remus who doesn't seem to notice his presence until he is only a few feet away.

"What do you want Black?"

The venom Remus used to address him still remained after months of use and Sirius was starting to think he would never get his friend back.

"I just wanted to talk to you Rem. I miss you guys, you have no idea how sorry I am for wait happened! Please I can't live with out you guys."

Remus was silent for a moment before speaking in low and dangerous tones.

"Do you know what would have happened if I bit or killed Snape or James?"

Startled by the question Sirius shook his head no and urged Remus to go on even though he sensed he wouldn't like the answer. In the same low voice, almost a growl Remus continued.

"First I would be expelled from Hogwarts. No second chance, the Ministry would snap my wand and burn the pieces. Next I would be put on trial for killing another human being where I would undoubtedly lose no matter how hard Dumbledor tries to save me. Do you know what the penalty for a werewolf killing another human is?"

Shaking his head one more time he braced himself for what he was about to hear.

"Execution. They would have cut my head off with a silver axe Black. Don't you get it! If I killed him I would have died and it would have been all your fault!"

Sirius felt sick. The urge to vomit was so strong he wasn't sure if he could hold it off. Without warning and taking one last glance at Remus he bolted for the portrait hole, hoping to get to a bathroom before he was sick.

How could he do that? How could he be so careless about his best friends darkest secret? He felt like the lowest being on the planet right now. He couldn't believe he could do such a thing. Remus was right, he was a Black and nothing could change that.

* * *

><p>Christmas morning came and with it new feelings of isolation and heartbreak. This would be his first Christmas alone since coming to Hogwarts and he wasn't sure if he could enjoy it. Hoping to lift his spirits a little by opening presents he got out of his bed and peered over the front side of his bed, hoping to find a present to open but to his absolute heartbreak he found nothing. No package of chocolate frogs from Moony, no broom stick service kit from James and no deluxe box of Bertie Bots Every Flavour Beans from Peter.<p>

He could feel his heart shattering and the feeling of pain came crashing into him like tidal waves. His friends didn't even care enough to send him anything for Christmas, even though he sent double what he normally did to them in the hope that they would forgive him.

Never before has he felt so alone and lost. In that moment he realized that he has lost his best friends forever and that nothing will ever bring him back. No amount of apologies or presents will make then see how much he needed them to survive. He felt broken and for the first time in his entire life something happened inside of Sirius Black. He cried.

For the first time ever he cried. Hot tears of pure sadness, loneliness and self hatred were pouring down his face. Loud gut wrenching sobs escaped his mouth and where full of guilt and regret. Regret that he ever made friends with James, Remus and Peter. If he never meet them then he wouldn't have to feel the pain he was feeling right now.

For the first time in his life he wished he was dead. It was the only way to stop the pain and guilt that was threatening to destroy him.

Making up his mind he reached for his trunk with tears still rolling down his face. He pulled out a scrap of parchment and an old broken quill and began to write.

* * *

><p>Hundreds of miles away Remus Lupin woke up to find a massive pile of gifts from various people for him.<p>

Smiling slightly he reached for the top parcel and read the short note at the top.

'To: Remus'

'Love: Sirius Black

Frowning he reached to open the gift and slowly undid the wrapping paper that had little moving wolves howling at the moon on it.

Finally freeing the box of the paper, Remus opened the box and let out a slight gasp as he did.

Inside was a massive, gold platted watch with roman numerals for digits and magic wands for hands. It even had a built in count down timer for the next full moon right down to the minute of moonrise.

Still in slight shock at the price of the gift he reached in and grabbed the note that was addressed to him.

_Moony,_

_I hope I can still use your nickname and that I haven't been banned to use it in writing yet._

_This letter serves one purpose. My last attempt to get you to forgive me._

_These past two months have been agony for me. I never realized how much being friends with you three meant to me until I lost it. To say that you three changed me would be an understatement. When I first boarded the Hogwarts express all those years ago I didn't know what to expect. Then when I meet James he taught me how bad being a Black meant. That day on the train I promised myself that I would never become something that would make my parents proud of me. It's what made me a Gryffindor, a prankster and best friend to a Potter, Pettigrew and Lupin._

_But when I betrayed your trust and told Snape how to get past the willow I realised what I did. I did something that would make my parents proud of me. I almost caused the murder of a 'dark creature' and no one would be the wiser. _

_I've never regretted anything more then that day and the days, weeks and months following it only intensified my pain. _

_I understand if you never want to speak to me again and I don't expect you to want to, just know that I am sorry and I never meant to hurt you Remus._

_Love, Padfoot_

By the time Remus finished reading the note he was in tears and guilty sobs were coming out of his mouth. He continued to cry until he finally whispered.

"I'm so sorry Sirius".

Without another word he stood up and bolted towards the family fireplace. Grabbing a handful of floo powder he threw it in and spoke.

"Headmasters Office, Hogwarts".

Before stepping in and hoping beyond all hope that he wasn't too late.

* * *

><p>Sirius eyed the silver dagger he conjured with his wand with hate. He hated what he had become, a Black. Nothing but a cold hearted Black and the only way to fix it was with the knife.<p>

Lifting it slowly to his wrist he sliced down across his major veins and watched as a thin line of blood appeared underneath the blade. Taking the knife in his other hand he took it again and cut his other wrist, deeper this time and watched once more as the blood continued to flow out from his body.

Tear tracks were still visible on his face and even a tear could be seen coming from his eyes still. He was beyond feeling anymore, he was numb. He was beneath the pain, so low that he wasn't worthy of it's feeling.

As he laid his head back on his four poster he closed his eyes after the blackness that surrounded his vision intensified. With his final thoughts of Remus he saw no more.

* * *

><p>Remus began sprinting down the corridors now. The feeling of foreboding only grew as he approached Gryffindor tower. After what seemed like forever he reached the portrait holes and almost shouted the past word. He needed to tell Sirius. He needed to know he forgave him and that he loved him too.<p>

Jumping up the dormitory stair case and crashing through the fifth years dorms he was meet with an eerie silence.

"Sirius? Sirius are you here?"

Receiving no response he approached his bed, the only one with the curtains drawn closed. Reaching forward he grasped the red velvet curtain and yanked it open.

The sight he saw was one right out of his nightmares.

On the bed laid Sirius, laying in a pool of his own blood. His skin was so pale it was almost translucent and the dark rings under his eyes told Remus that he probably hasn't sleep well in months, not since that night. What scarred Remus the most was the deep cuts on his wrists and the lack of noticeable breathing from Sirius.

Without conscious thought he pulled out his wand and began muttering healing spells, taught to him by the school matron for use after full moons. He paid no attention to the hot tears of sorrow flowing from his eyes and centered his attention on Sirius.

Using a levitation spell he flew Sirius out of bed and only then did he notice the silver dagger lying beside him and a crumpled up piece of parchment in his left hand. Grapping the parchment and shoving it in his pocket he levitated Sirius out the door and began running down to the hospital wing.

* * *

><p>"Madam Pomfrey! Madam Pomfrey please help!"<p>

At the sound of the distressed child the school matron came flying out of her office and a disgruntled look on her face.

"This had better be important I was working on so..".

But her voice died in here throat when she saw the lifeless body of Sirius Black being levitated by one of her favourite patients, Remus Lupin.

"Please you have to help him! Please don't let him die. I can't... Please don't let him die".

She was shocked at how lost and dejected his voice sounded and her eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. Quickly shaking her head she retreated into the depths of her mind and let her calm nurse side take over.

"Give him to me, I'll take care of him. Go wait outside don't want any distractions".

Dumbly nodding his head Remus went to sit down in one of the waiting chairs in the front of the hospital wing.

Shoving his hands in his pockets to try to control the shaking from the sudden lose of adrenaline. Only he found that his pockets were not empty and in fact contained a piece of crumpled blood stained parchment with sloppy hand writing that simply screamed Sirius.

Unfolding it he began to read what was meant to be Sirius Black's last words.

_To whom is may concern,_

_Let me first start off by saying I'm sorry. To anyone I may have hurt, especially Remus. You have no idea how much I regret that night and I would so anything to take back what I did and I realized that I became what I never wanted to be, a monster. Something that my parents would be proud of._

_I can't live with myself knowing what could have happened that night and knowing that I would be the sole blame for it. These past few months have been almost unliveable without the friendship of James, Peter and Remus. I always had a hope that they would forgive me and we could once again be friends but when I woke up today to find nothing I felt my heart break and for the first time in my life I cried._

_I was always told that Blacks never cried because it showed weakness in the face of others. Well I don't care anymore. I don't to be a Black and I don't care if I show weakness all I ever wanted was my Moony back and today showed me that will never happen._

_I'm sorry for making you hate me I know deep down you don't want to and I know that it's my fault for making you hate me._

_I just want you to know that you three are the greatest things to ever happen to me. I learned what it meant to have true friends even if I never understood how to keep them and for that I thank you._

_I'm so sorry for ever hurting you Remus it was never my intent and I hope that you will no longer harbour ill fated feelings toward me when I am gone but if it makes you feel better I will allow you to piss of my grave._

_I know I never deserved friends like you three and I'm surprised that our friendship has lasted this long knowing that me being a Black would fuck it up eventually._

_I want you all to know that I love you and that you should not blame yourself for this no matter how unlikely that is. I have only myself to blame and I hope you can see why._

_Goodbye forever,_

_Sirius Orion Black_

The tears flowing from Remus eyes were going unchecked as they splashed against the parchment causing it to dampen even more from the blood and tears. Remus knew it was his fault no matter how much Sirius told him other wise and he would never forgive himself if he didn't make it.

Fear suddenly settled into his mind. What if he didn't make it? What if I killed Sirius? The others would hate me and I don't know if I can live in a world without Sirius and without my other friends.

A voice drew him out of his fearful stooper.

"Remus?"

His head shot up with fearful and pleading eyes, hoping beyond hope that she was bringing good news to him.

"He's going to make it Remus, don't you worry about him. He's asleep right now and won't wake for several hours. Would you like to see him?"

After silently thinking for a few seconds he shook his head no.

"No, not right now, I need to floo the others first. Can I use the fireplace in your office?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment before responding in the affirmative.

Jumping out of his seat he ran towards her office doors and began frantically searching for her put of floo powder. After grapping a hand full he through it in and called out,

"Potter Manor".

Then disappeared into the flames.

* * *

><p>James was silently reading his new Quiddich book he received from his parents when the fireplace in front of him light up and Remus came stumbling out.<p>

"Remus! What are you doing here mate?"

Quickly casting a glance around the room he saw that Mr. and Mrs. Potter where sitting on a love seat reading as well as James who was just now beginning to stand up to greet Remus.

"James you need to come quickly back to Hogwarts, it's Sirius."

Fearing the worst James' eyes went wide with fear.

"Why what happened to him?"

Taking a deep calming breath he looked James in the eye and spoke clearly.

"He tried to kill himself."

Nothing could have shocked James more. His mind started going at a mile a minute and couldn't even speak if he tried. It was his father who came to his senses first and asked the dreadful question.

"Why would he do such a thing."

Without looking him in the eye he handed the last letter from Sirius to the man that called him a second son. It was clear that he was fright with worry and he needed to understand why he would do such a thing.

James too ran over and leaned over the shoulder of his father to read the letter at the same time.

When they finished James and his parents where in tears over the boy who they called son and brother in all but blood and James spoke up first.

"I need to see him, right now."

Nodding silently, Remus reached for more floo powder and returned to the Hogwarts infirmary with the Potters in tow.

* * *

><p>Sirius' eyes fluttered open after what seemed to be an eternity of dark and was greeted by the sight of his two best mates watching him with regret filled eyes and tears tracks still visible on their faces.<p>

Remus was the first to notice that Sirius was awake and was struggling to find something to say. Eventually he settled for,

"How are you feeling?"

James look startled when h found out that Sirius was awake after hearing Remus speak to him and before Sirius could answer he spoke first.

"Sirius I'm so sorry."

To say Sirius was surprised to hear these words would be an understatement and he voiced his doubts freely.

"Why"

The pained look of regret and sorrow that filled both James' and Remus' eyes was an indication of how badly they realised they messed up their friend. He was so far gone that he thought that every problem was his fault and couldn't see that James and Remus were in the wrong for leading Sirius to want to take his own life. Finally Remus spoke up after what seemed like forever but was only a minute.

"For everything. For not realising how much it hurt you to not be able to be friends with us. To see how much I hurt you by comparing you to your family and to see that it was slowly killing you. I should have known better Sirius, I'm sorry and I forgive you."

Sirius hardly dared to believe these words. He looked to James for reassurance and only say him nod in a sad way.

"Do you really mean it Moony?"

"Of course I do you silly mut, now come here and promise me that you will never scare me like that again.

As Remus said these words a giant weight was lifted off of Sirius heart. When he was pulled into a hug by both James and Remus and in that moment he knew he meant these words and for that moment he seeked comfort and safety in their arms and warm embrace.

"I promise Moony, I promise."


End file.
